Glasgow Film Fest and "the diving-bell and the butterfly"

So, I've been working the Glasgow Film Fest, and last night I got to work the VIP bar which included Andy Serkis, AKA King Kong AKA Gollum, I only spoke to him briefly, but I served him champagne and water, and got his autograph for my sister and my friend (who was there but decided he was too awkward to ask for it but then I introduced him anyway).

Everyone should go see the cottage. He's in it. he was promoting it, we had the world premiere last night (GO GFF!!!) and unfortunately, I didn't get to see it (though I've heard its amazing with some really sick humor in it including ripping someone's spinal column out!) but I did see Zombie Strippers.

It was a fun crazy week but amazing.

PS everyone should read the diving-bell and the butterfly. I feel so thankful that I didn't suffer a massive stroke or locked-in syndrome, but it's definitely a mind fuck for me. My experiences with my stroke were much more mild, but none the less scary, and though it's scary and exciting to identify with this man, it's perhaps the only book to affect me in a mix of depression, sadness, and joy.

For those who don't know the book (or the movie), Jean-Dominique Bauby was editor in chief of French Elle when he suffered a massive stroke, fell into a coma, and woke up with "locked-in syndrome" meaning his brain is intact, but unable to move, eat, breath, or speak on his own. They created a special system of blinking his left eye so he could communicate and "dictate" this book.

As I said, I'm thankful I suffered an extremely mild stroke, but I'm an emotional masochist. I wanted to read this book because I wanted to see how he described his stroke. It also took me two days to gather the courage to read those 5 pages. I wanted to know what his was like, and I want to see the movie for this same reason, though I've already insisted I must bring a friend with me because I still haven't watched the episode in House I was watching that night featuring a woman who has a stroke.

I find it depressing in some ways that a man with such limited communication can write about his experience so much more eloquently than I can. At one point he simply describes his face feeling like parchment as he received a massage. It wasn't because it was dry, but because of the mixed signals in his brain. Just that little bit made me cry, because that was the word I was searching for in the hospital: parchment. That's what my body felt like to my left hand. That this man could describe this sensation with blinking, better than I could just proves how amazing this book is.

There's a line in it that really stood out to me: "Henceforth my life is divided between those who knew me before and all the others." Though I might not appear any different, I am. I'm much more wary about my health, I worry more. I don't lock my door in case I have another one, though I worry that I won't be able to scream for help next time. I worry about being alone. I'm scared of flying, though I know with blood thinners I'm better off than most on the plane. I also carry a giant bag with me every where I go. This bag contains all my pills and my blood thinner book in case I'm rushed unconscious to the hospital they will know my dosage. I also make sure that even if my room is a mess, it's all pushed to the sides in case paramedics rush in again. My life is defined now as pre and post stroke just because that's what it is and it's weird knowing I'm different though others might not know it, and that I will probably divide things up like this for a long time to come.

Everyone should read it. I can't wait to see the movie, I hear it's beautiful. I plan on seeing it this week.

Claremot street

On my way back from the festival one night, i finally decided to take a pic because its like a little piece of college. Especially when it intersects with berkley.

The One Valentine's Day Thing I'll Do

Here is what my "love sign" or "venus sign" says about me.

Venus in Leo is a sure sign of someone who is larger than life, at least where love is concerned. Showy, gregarious, loyal and extravagant only begin to describe this fun-seeking individual. These folks love to be loved and are hard to miss in any social situation, having a knack as they do for lighting up a room. The one thing these souls crave is someone who can appreciate what they're all about and love them for it. In return, plenty of love will be given back! A tendency to put themselves out there" can put those with this placement in a precarious position: if a relationship doesn't work out, will their ego be shattered? Perhaps, but only until the next big event and an opportunity to shine yet again! As long as the vibes are good, these happy folks make for a partner whose lust for life is unmatched. Dancing the night away? Yes, it's on the dance card, along with romantic weekends, heartfelt sentiments and tender touches. A match with someone touched by Venus in Leo is likely to be filled with expression and acceptance and will no doubt be an endless party. Get those dancin' shoes ready!

and that is the end of this sappy crap.

Glasgow Film Festival

The Film Festival starts up next week. I'm getting excited, tho my schedule for the next few weeks is going to be super intense. I have marking research training on Monday, and a special screening of Cassandra's Dream on tuesday morning. It's the opening gala film (starring Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrel as cockney brothers) and Tuesday is the press screening I get into for free. Then the 14th it all starts up with Now Voyager at 1:30.

So far the list of films I want to see are the following:
Margot at the Wedding
Mathaharis
Jezebel
Caramel
Diary of the Dead (FUCK YEAH)
My Blueberry Nights
The last Mistress
Teeth
XXY (Argentinian film about a child raised female but now deciding what future sex to claim)
You, the Living (swedish, got very little else but that it's an ensemble piece)
Thieves
Water Lillies (french, could be used for dissertation)
Priceless (with Audrey Tautou as a gold digger--very much for my dissertation)
All About Eve
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
[REC] (Spanish Horror film shot Blair witch style and the directors will be there)
and
ready for it?
the best?
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

HELL YEAH!

Okay, geek out over; however, I have a problem where I'm working during a lot of the films I want to see, but she said we'd probably get to see a lot of those screened during our shifts. Cross your fingers that I'll be able to see some of them.

Especially Zombie Strippers.

One of those days

Yesterday, was one of those days. Where I stressed and disappointed and home sick all at once. I started out the day finishing up my PhD application and the application for the ORSAS funding which usually goes to science applicants rather than arts, or so I've been told by people other than my professor who encouraged me to apply--so who knows.

I applied online for the PhD but I needed to take the ORSAS application into the office, so I hurried off to the office around 2, dropped it off, then headed to the bus stop to hitch a ride to the hospital for my check up. Well, the bus only takes exact change so my 10 quid didn't really work and I ended up taking the subway to Govan and catching a bus there; which was waiting at the stop when I got there. PERFECT, right?

Well alls well until I realise the hospital has 3 bus stops with in it. I get off at the wrong one and desperately look around for the Neurology building which I haven't been to since I was released from the acute stroke ward. I go into one building to ask about it, they point me in the right direction, and I carry on. Then it starts to hail. I've never been caught outside in the hail but that fucking sucked. I've also dealt with strong winds in Kansas, but I was nearly knocked over with the sheer force of the wind making my face sting. I had my gloves on and was desperately pulling my hat down and my scarf up. I go into the Neurosurgery/neuro whatever the fuck building, but oh yeah, it's not the right one. So I have to run in the hail across the street to the right building. Get there, forget the name of the doctor I'm supposed to be seeing, finally figure out where I'm going, sit down, and shiver to death. Seriously, I was soaked to the bone and freezing. It didn't help that the doctor kept his windows open because his "mind works better when it's chilly." So, I shiver in my wet jeans as he tells me he won't see me again till May, then he'll scan my brain, but he wants to keep me on the blood thinners for close to a year.

Great, exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. I say fuck it to the bus and subway and call a cab, where I try to fight back the tears of frustration. Get let out on my street, grab some food (I've been living off cereal because I'm being cheap) and finally come in, undress, jump under the covers and cry.

I really really don't want to be on these blood thinners for a year. I was told it would be 6 months to a year, but now the doctor is basically saying it'll be a year or more... oh wait maybe 11 months. If i'm lucky I'll be off it by my birthday.

There's a part of me that wants to blame Scotland, to say "if I had never come here this never would have happened." But I know that's not true. It would have happened any where, the bright side is once again I don't have to pay so it's better in a way to have had it here. I'm still depressed about it though. Yesterday I just wanted to go home so bad. I wanted to curl up with my dog and cat under some blankets and call it quits for awhile.

I reached my breaking point, but there's not much I can do about it now. Already signed over the loans to pay for this semester, and I would probably end up miserable no matter where I went because I would still be dealing with this blood clot and daily reminders of nearly dying.

It'll get better, I was just really hoping that doctor's appointment would go better. That he would have scanned me yesterday and giving me only a few more months on it instead of 9. Oh well, I know, it's better to have a year of this rather than the rest of my life, but still. I just want it to be over.