With the anticipation I had for Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge, I'm very disappointed in how long it took me to finally watch it. However, I'm finding it hard to decide how I feel about the sequel as I've seen the original enough times to quote it and have developed it from an 'impressive porn' to a tale of female sexual discovery that nearly matches The Blue Lagoon. Needless to say, I'm being harsh on the sequel.
From the beginning, Pirates II promises to go above and beyond its predecessor. The teaser trailer featured more impressive graphics than the first, and the film's visual quality is up there with the best straight to video horror films blockbuster pulls out just in time for Halloween. However, I feel some of these graphics are direct rips from the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. I realize this is an homage to the Hollywood blockbusters, but when you see a ghost ship popping out of the water, you really do wonder if they just sourced the DVD. A similar reaction occurred during the scenes with the giant worms, expect Dune wasn't nearly this high tech, so I'm pretty sure these are original graphics.
Special effects aside, Stagnetti's Revenge really builds upon the high standards the first one set. I enjoyed creating a "12 Days of Christmas" song as I counted the threesomes, real boobs, and of the course the "5 hairy va-jay-jays" featured prominently. It needs to be noted, that Pirates II has diversified by having two Brunettes, 2 Asian female leads, and roughly 7 real sets of breasts. Not to mention a crazy Armenian obsessed with gold, a homoerotic Governor (Ben English--who I originally assumed was faking his English accent), and a near male rape scene between Jules (Jesse Jane) and Edward (Evan Stone). Compared to the boring blonde-performers-with-mas
Sadly, gone is my personal favorite Serena (Janine Lindemulder), who is replaced by her sister Olivia (played by Belladonna). However, Joone makes it up to me by providing Steven St. Croix (Marco) with more scenes to showcase his various 'talents' and great lines such as "I don't need you to love me, because I love myself." Who knew a porn would give actual relationship advice? Well, other than Bend Over Boyfriend of course. Now, while I do love me some Steven St. Croix acting, I think his final threesome involving Jules and Ai (Shay Jordan) expresses all the problems with this porn.
First, I don't want to necessarily point fingers, but Joey Pulgadas really let me down this time. As editor for both Pirates, I don't know what happened, but he seems to have forgotten anything he knew about continuity editing. I know this is just porn and you can't hold it to the same standards you would a Hollywood film, but when a woman is riding a man with her back to the camera then suddently is in the same position but facing the camera you're going to get screams of "wow! That woman has a hairy butt." Jump cuts like that just don't work in porn. Similarly, I know the majority of the audience doesn't need to see the foreplay, but it is distracting when they cut about 10-15 minutes and people are suddenly naked (except for the socks, Mr. Governor). Also, is it too much to ask for you to show the various sexual positions for a bit longer than a speedy cut a la Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge? Apparently.
Second, I could see why men find Jesse Jane attractive to watch, but I hope they watch her with the sound off. Her sex scenes are painful as she's always so angry and attacks her partners like she's a zombie feeding off of them (and this isn't an exageration, nor is it erotic) and she's obnoxiously loud! Anyone who's seen one of her movies knows she spasms and cries like a cat being skinned alive, and some people do get off on this, but do you need two painful screamers in one threesome? Shay Jordan is just as bad and the two women combined is just nuts (although you gotta love when Jordan proclaims "Ai come!"). I nearly had to turn the sound off during their threesome with St. Croix, but I (and my viewing partner) toughed it out, but this leads me to another major issue with this porn: gagging. If you are gagging while trying to deep throat, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Yes, yes, two girls-one cup proves that people do find vomiting arrousing, but she never actually spews on the penis so do we really need the excessive gagging sounds? I was afraid someone was going to have to perform the heimlich in order to extract St. Croix's penis! Is this just another way DP is trying to diversify their films, by utilizing a variety of fetishes? Personally, I find gagging a sign that you can't deep throat and kind of defeats the purpose and shames the 70s class as Linda showed no signs of a gag reflex.
Overall, I think its a great porn, but the first is far surperior. However, I have extremely high hopes for the next in the series, and there better be one or I'll personally find Joone and slap him upside the head for dangling a sister in distress and an all-female pirate ship in front of me. Oh, but leave out the vagina spankings. It's getting a bit excessive.
Click for review of the first Pirates.
